Wheelie

Still substantially cooler than rollerblading

Still substantially cooler than rollerblading

There’s a long standing debate in San Francisco about the coolness of various self-propelled rolling devices. The “city” is split among many different factions (without rancor of course, this is San Francisco) about which device is truly the coolest.

Over the last few months I have infiltrated the semi-courteous debates among tattooed,  pierced  and skinny-jeaned hipsters and I am proud to announce that SFIW has uncovered not only what the coolest SPRD is, but for the first time ever, an official, sanctioned, top-10 raking!

The Official San Francisco Is Weird

Top Ten Coolest Self Propelled Rolling Devices

  1. Skateboard
  2. Kid’s Sneakers with Built-In Wheels
  3. Bicycle – Fixed Gear (no fly wheel)
  4. Bicycle – Single Gear (with lame fly wheel)
  5. Long Board
  6. Roller Skates
  7. Bicycle (with super lame gears and brakes)
  8. Scooters
  9. Parrot / Thigh Powered Stand-Up Roller Thing
  10. Rollerblades

Squirrel!

OK, all kidding aside, how can you trust a “city” with no squirrels? I mean, I’m willing to forgive the 2:1 ratio of seagulls to pigeons and even accept the harbor is infested with barking sea lions (true story), but where the hell are all the squirrels?!?!

Yes Bay Area zoologists, there are squirrels over the bridge in Oakland, but there are none in the city of San Francisco. For the love of all things holy, the enormous Golden Gate Park is even home to a herd of buffalo (also true) but not a single squirrel!!!!

That’s just weird.

No squirrels in San Francisco...

No squirrels in San Francisco...

But plenty of buffalo!

But plenty of buffalo!

The Panhandle

Pan-Handled

As everyone in New York (and, um, the rest of the world???) knows, if approached by a panhandler you simply avoid eye contact, ignore the request and keep moving.

Simple.

Hell, it doesn’t even need to be someone asking for money…directions? Help? The time? Endangered child? Escaped tiger? It’s all the same:

1. Avoid eye contact
2. Ignore
3. Keep moving

Manhattan school children learn the mantra right along with stop, drop and roll. It’s just second nature.

Which is why your first few encounters with panhandlers (and there will be many) in San Francisco may be incredibly unsettling. Panhandlers in San Francisco are accustomed to (a) people being nice and (b) having the right to do whatever they want – including asking you for money.

So the normal tactics don’t work here because panhandlers simply think you didn’t hear them. They’ll raise their voice, follow you down the street and even (shudder) touch you! Yes, panhandlers here will actually touch you to get your attention if you ignore them. And unlike Giuliani/Bloomberg’s New York where homeless people are put to death for even blocking the path of the gainfully employed / showered citizen, it’s evidently not against the law for panhandlers in San Francisco to gently touch you.

But don’t fear, after many months I have devised an innovative and foolproof (albeit counterintuitive) method for avoiding the harassment of panhandlers in San Francisco. When asked for money, pause, look the assailant in the eye and say “sorry dude.”
I know it sounds crazy, but it works:

1. Pause
2. Eye contact
3. “Sorry dude”

The panhandler will shrug and walk on. It’s seriously like magic and it will blow your mind.

Good luck.

Two Great Tastes…

img_05212

This doesn’t quite qualify for my Weird Restaurant Category (great food, good lighting, $12 – $14 entrees), but there’s still something oh, so San Francisco about it!

Plus seriously, after you’ve had an order of chow meain (or a burger), don’t you often crave a delicious donut?

No Judgments?

2008 "Hunky Jesus" Contest

Winner: 2008 "Hunky Jesus" Contest

There’s a pervasive vibe that resonates throughout San Francisco: “people should be able to do whatever they want” (which is fine), “and without judgment” (which is ridiculous). Sure, you can be a topless grown man who chooses to wear purple tights and publicly hula-hoop in broad daylight (true story), but I should be able to ridicule you to my friends.

In New York it’s survival of the fittest: the good looking, socially normal and trend-setting survive while the freaky deviants are relegated to…well, San Francisco. In San Francisco not only do you have the right to be an overly-pierced, tattoo-covered, fleece-clad, patchouli smelling, performing hippy, but we all are expected to accept you – NAY, even encourage your eccentric “unique” behavior.

So yupeat empotor (conservative beware), I pretty sure it’s the law here. Just like having your own blog.

Lego New York

Christopher Niemann brings New York icons and sensibilities to life through legos.

Loves it!

While I figure out the appropriate San Francisco response I encourage you to check out the entire collection at the NYT Blog.

Spare a quarter?

Spare a quarter?

Weird Fish (Weird Restaurant)

People eat out more in New York. Sure, there are many people that eat out a good amount in San Francisco too, but due to busier lives and smaller apartments, more people eat out more often in (and around) NYC. This fact has spawned a class of rarely unheralded yet fantastically delicious, comfortable (not too expensive) and reliable restaurants, and one of the things I miss most about my home town.

In my previous post I bemoaned this “city’s” dearth of yummy eating establishment with $12 – $14 entrees. A place that you could comfortably go two or three times a week (even in this challenging economic time).

The good news is that there are a few, very good, “New York Style” restaurants: small (wonderfully verging on cramped), well lit (although you don’t quite need to use the light of your cell phones to read the menu), yummy and very reasonable priced. First up, (with no relationship to this blog I assure you):

Weird Fish
2193 Mission Street (at 18th)

Located in a funky, East Village Circa 1985-ish stretch of the Mission, Weird Fish is a small, warm and welcoming enclave. Their are a dozen or so tables made of encased tin ceiling tiles surrounded by vaguely nautical accoutrement’s and a few images of mermaids. The decor is tastefully done, being authentic with a perfect hint of we-don’t-take-ourselves-too-seriously nonchalance.

They do, however, take their relatively simple food seriously. Being in San Francisco, Weird Fish of course boasts locally grown vegetables and sustainably farmed fish and they also have a blog, which I’m pretty sure is a law here (although, to their credit, it’s not updated much, which perhaps means they’re spending more time in the kitchen?).

They make a kick-a** fish and chips giving you an option of 2 or 3 pieces of perfectly fried talapia for $10 or $13 respectively. My favorite is the dijon-almond encrusted rainbow trout (only $9!!!) and they also make great fish tacos with all the fixins for five bucks. All the sides are great and only cost $4. I really haven’t been disappointed with anything on the regular menu. I have been less impressed with their signature dish, the Suspicious Fish. A gimmicky, nightly changing entree. They won’t tell you what it is, but will give you hints. I’ve had it a few times and never been blown away.

Since the place is small and good and has a cool vibe there’s often a wait, but the attentive staff does their best to get you in quickly and keep in you realistically abreast of the wait. There’s a small but adventures wine list with some nice options and draft beer is available by the pint or expensive Belgium beers by the bottle.

Really impressive food at a great price in a fantastic neighborhood environment, what more could you ask for? How about a small satellite kitchen located in the back of a fun bar a few blocks away? They serve the same Fish and Chips and Fish Tacos, but have added fried pickles, sandwiches and even a burger. The satellite is  open Tuesday – Saturday from about 6pm until the cook is done. Typically about 11pm or midnight…crazy late night for San Francisco! How weird…

My Gift to SF Restaurants: The Dimmer

People here are very proud of their restaurants – it’s a point of “city” pride. And to be fair, there are a number of very good restaurants in San Francisco, especially when compared to most of the rest of the country (not New York of course, but we’ll get to that in a moment). There’s a big push for fresh and local ingredients (which is good) and decent selection to keep you discovering new places for a few months.

That’s the good news.

The bad news is that there are two overarching problems with the vast majority of San Francisco eating establishments:

1) Bad Lighting. I have come to the conclusion that restaurant owners here are so damn proud of their food that they feel compelled to use 600 watt light bulbs and targeted spotlights to shine full force on their glorious creations. Even most “romantic” restaurants are so bright that you never need to pull a candle over (or use the light from your cell phone) to read a menu. It’s just not right.

2) The Elusive $12 entree. While there are plenty of more expensive restaurants (i.e. $25+ entrees) and the “city” is lousy with good (and cheap!) taquerias (where you can eat well for $6), it’s difficult to find the yummy $12-$14 entree. Especially if you also want a good environment. Sometimes you just want to go out and grab a good easy dinner, like Three of Cups, Old Devil Moon, Bread in New York, Cafe Moto in Williamsburg, or roughly a billion other places in the surrounding area.

It’s just not that easy here.

BUT, I have found a few great places that have managed to capture the spirit, lighting and pricing of a great, comfortable and intimate New York-style neighborhood restaurant. They’re out there, but they not the easiest to find. Periodically, I will profile these restaurants (starting with the first entry on Monday), providing a guide of my favorite and will maintain links in a new blogroll header (to the right) called “Weird Restaurants“.

Bon Apetite. And don’t forget your sunglasses.

Utrecht Conspiracy?

Far from Holland...

Far, Far from Holland...

Relax, while there is a good probability that you have at least a small contact-high from all of the marijuana floating through the San Francisco atmosphere, chances are you’re not hallucinating. It’s a well publicized fact here in San Francisco that you can not get a contact-high from mushroom tea, so more-than-likely, you are not inadvertently tripping.

And yes, that is a giant windmill at the far western end of Golden Gate Park.

No, it doesn’t work.

As I intend to provide factual information here at SFIW.com, I have conducted some extensive research about the wayward windmill (i.e. typed “San Francisco Windmill” into google) and have uncovered an incredible conspiracy! It seems that an organization called Golden Gate Park Windmills (plural!) insists that there are TWO windmills at the far western end of Golden Gate Park. Even though this Street View from google maps clearly shows only one!

Perhaps I am hallucinating? San Francisco is Weird, but at least there’s a windmill. Or two.

SAFEWAY!

A beacon of hope...

A beacon of hope...

Back in the day (i.e. five years ago) before there was such a thing as Whole Foods, most New Yorkers conducted the majority of their food shopping at corner bodegas that smelled faintly (or not so faintly) of cat pee. The Korean woman behind the counter barked at you to hurry up and there was exactly one type of anything you could possibly need: One box of Kraft Macaroni ‘N Cheese. One cup of chicken flavor Ramin noodles. One bottle Clear Eyes saline solution (size small). One single roll of scratchy toilet paper.

Life was simple.

But once you move here you’ll quickly discover one of San Francisco’s true treasures…Safeway!

Like Disney World, Oz or Neverland Ranch, there is just something magical about Safeway. First off, they’re huge. It’s like walking into a happy magic food palace. Coming from a bodega on the lower east side, the selection is staggering! Their prices are great and you can get almost anything there, including wine and alcohol! Yes, in San Francisco (in all of California actually), you can buy a case of nice (even very nice!) Napa Cabernet and a 750ml of Patron at the grocery store!

But Safeway is more than just food (which, by the way, you can order online and have delivered), most of them also have a bank, coffee depot (often Starbucks or Peets), pharmacy, sell postage stamps, offer western union services and sell monthly Muni passes!

I have yet to see tourists clumped together working nervously through the produce section taking photos of organic arugula, but if I was a local tour guide it would definitely be on my list. It’s just that weird.

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